in 2010

I NOTICED A FEW THINGS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF. EVERY YEAR, INSTEAD OF MAKING RESOLUTIONS AND THE LIKE, I JUST REFLECT ON WHAT I LEARNED, AND WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO DIFFERENTLY. AS OF LATE, I HAVE REALLY BECOME MORE FEMININE, IN MY WISH TO HAVE A FAMILY. I HAVE ALSO BECOME MYSELF FROM SENIOR YEAR,EXCEPT A SMIDGE WORSE. I HAVE ALREADY STARTED FEARING FAILURE AND WHAT HAPPENS IF I AM WHAT THEY THOUGHT I WAS (...just another country gal trying to do big things but the city is too much for her.) GOOD THING THAT OVER THESE PAST FEW YEARS (and a couple repeat/deletes) THAT FAILURE IS NOT THE END NOR DOES IT DEFINE YOU; IT IS WHAT YOU DO AND HOW YOU REACT TO THE FAILURE THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE.

AS I SIT HERE, THINKING, WHAT DO I WANT DIFFERENTLY IN 2010, OR WHAT I EXPECT IN 2010, OF COURSE ON THE FOREFRONT IS MY GRADUATION. AS I MAKE MY WAY TO THIS GRADUATION, I WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE REST OF MY UNDERGRAD LIFE. I HOPE TO GAIN ALL POTENTIAL KNOWLEDGE FROM MY INTERNSHIP. I PRAY THAT I CAN GET A COUPLE ElleSeven PROJECTS DONE, ESPECIALLY SINCE MY PARTNER WILL BE BACK...HE'LL GIVE ME SOME ACCESS TO THE FINER THANGS AT LSU (YAY ElleSeven) AND HOPEFULLY BEGIN FINISH THE STEPS OF MAKING ElleSeven A LRC OR A LEGIT COMPANY THAT I OWN (business is so screwy and asinine sometimes...). AND MOSTLY, THE BIGGEST THING I PLAN TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY UNDERGRAD TENURE IS TO MAKE THE BEST GRADES (A in phys science) SO THAT I CAN BRING MY GPA BACK UP AND GRADUATE WITH HONORS LIKE I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR CERTAIN CLASSES...

LIFE WISE IN 2010, I REALIZE THAT I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE A FOOL ALMOST TOO MUCH. I CARE ENTIRELY TOO MUCH FOR PEOPLE WHO DONT CARE ABOUT ME, OR AS MUCH ABOUT ME. IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF THEY DID NOT KNOW, BUT IF I CARE FOR YOU (even slightly) YOU KNOW IT. SO NOT RETURNING MY CARE MAKES ME A FOOL. I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND ALL OF MY ENERGY PARTICIPATING IN ONE SIDED "FRIENDSHIPS" ANYMORE. ONE WAY TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, I THINK IS, TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY KNOW SEX IS NOT ON THE TABLE. IN TIMES BEFORE I, MYSELF, HAVE SAID CELIBACY IS LIKE A WAY TO CUT SOME ONE OFF, OR PUNISH THEM. I ONLY EVEN HAD SEX BECAUSE I WANTED TO MAKE SURE I KEPT MY SKILLS UP. THERE ARE, APPARENTLY, NO SKILLS THAT I COULD USE TO FIX MY HEART AND MAKE MYSELF FEEL LIKE I HAVE NOT BEEN USED AND LEFT TO DEAL WITH IT BY MYSELF. SO I WILL REFRAIN FROM SEX, THERE WILL BE NO #MONTH RULE; NO "WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT" NONE OF THOSE OTHER THINGS THAT LEAD ME TO THINK THAT I WAS PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER THAN MYSELF WHEN IT TURNS OUT THAT I WAS ONLY APART OF SOMETHING AS BIG AS MY VERY OWN IMAGINATION.

THIS NEXT ONE WILL THROW YA'LL FOR A LOOP SEEING AS HOW I JUST DECLARED CELIBACY. ACCORDING TO STATISTICS IF AN EDUCATED BLACK WOMAN DOES NOT FIND HER MATE (complementary black educated male) BEFORE THE END OF HER UNDERGRAD CAREER, THEN HER CHANCES SEVERELY DROP DUE TO THE FACT THAT EDUCATED BLACK MALES ARE MARRYING NON-BLACK FEMALES AND YOUNGER WOMEN (now we can add men?) AND I HAVE, THROUGH THESE HEART BREAKING EXPERIENCES COME TO REALIZE THAT I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO BE SOMEONE'S WOMAN. I WANT A HUSBAND. I WANT HIM EDUCATED, INTELLECTUAL, RELIGIOUS, RESPECTFUL, AND WORTHY OF A WONDERFUL WOMAN SUCH AS MYSELF. THIS YEAR, WHAT I WILL DO DIFFERENTLY, IS ENTER ARENAS WHERE THE MAN I SEEK IS. I DO NOT ENJOY CLUBBING AND WHATNOT, BUT I GO BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE MY FRIENDS GO. I AM GOING TO START GOING TO THINGS THAT I LIKE, SPOKEN WORD, CLUBS WITH LIVE BANDS, MAYBE EVEN A JAZZ CLUB OR SOMETHING. I AM MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN JIGGING, AND I BELIEVE THAT THE MAN THAT IS WORTHY OF ME PROLLY WONT BE SPENDING HIS TIME JIGGING AROUNG A CLUB IN JEANS AND SNEAKERS. THIS YEAR I WANT A HUSBAND, OR SOME SYMBOLISM OF AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP. I AM ALOST 24 AND HAVE ONLY BEEN TITLED SOMEONE'S GIRLFRIEND ONCE (when i was 18). I AM ONE INDEPENDENT WOMAN, BUT IT REALLY IS LONELY IN THIS BIG 'OLE WORLD WATCHING ALL THESE PEOPLE CARRYING ON WITH RELATIONSHIPS AND WHATNOT. IT HURTS BECAUSE I KNOW HOW GOOD I AM AT BEING HALF OF SOMETHING (yay cuz im a twin).

SOME MORE THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE DONE DIFFERENTLY IN 2010, I WOULD LIKE TO BE RESPECTED A LITTLE BIT MORE BY MY PEERS. I HAVE AN AWESOMELY SARCASTIC ATTITUDE, BUT I AM AN AQUARIUS. IT SEEMS AS IF PEOPLE DONT THINK I CARE OR GET ANGRY ABOUT THINGS OR WHATEVER SEEMS TO BE THE CASE, I WANT TO BE RESPECTED. I ALSO NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE POSITIVE IN MY OUTLOOK ON ALL THINGS. I WOULD LIKE TO STOP THINKING THAT I CAN THINK THROUGH ALL OR MOST SCENARIOS WITHOUT THE OTHER PERSON. BECAUSE THAT SEEMS TO BE HOW MY HEART GOT BATTERED TWICE.

LAST AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I HAVE TO GET BACK TO MY ORIGINAL GIFT TO THE WORLD (or at least my community). I AM AN EXAMPLE TO THE COMMUNITY. I WAS THE SPEAKER AT MY CHURCH'S YOUTH RALLY TWICE AND BOTH TIMES, MY SPEECH OUT DID THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER. IN THIS QUEST TO TRY AND LEARN WHAT IT TAKES TO PLEASE THE MAN GOD WILL SEND ME, I SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT I NEED TO PUT GOD FIRST AND EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT ME AND HIM WILL FALL IN PLACE. SO I AM GOING TO GET BACK ON THA LAWD. SINGING, PRAISING, AND HOPEFULLY SPEAKING HIS MESSAGE TO MY PEERS AND LITTLES.

HOPEFULLY YA'LL READ ALL OF THIS. YOU GOT TO KNOW A LITTLE MORE ABOUT ASHLEY NICHOLE' CURRY. AND HOPEFULLY I DID NOT LOSE YOU WITH ALL THE TALK ABOUT MYSELF. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

IF YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY, BUY ME A GIFTCARD FOR CC'S....TURTLEMOCHASIPPIS ARE LIKE 5 DOLLARS...

AND WE KNOW I NEED MY SMILE...

all this lubby dubby fuckin music

If you were to check my playlists....or what I listened to the most, one would think I were in love or something. Well guess what, it makes me fuckin sick. All this beautiful lubby dubby shit. I wish I could be a fan of some music that was like me. Not lubby. Not dubby. But then again, could I really sit through tons of music with tons of arpeggios and crescendos and decrescendos and extreme highs and extreme key changes and repeats and.....the list goes on and on. Needless to say, "The Ashley Song" would probably sound like that Beethoven song, or one of those exerpts from symphonies that they play during Halloween. Dark and Depressing to all except those with a slight musical genius.

So I guess now, I shall go back to my music. Get back to all that lubby dubby fuckin music that I just can't seem to get enough of....