prison terminology.

this is not a poem.

I've been shanked in my ego & its bleeding profusely. my fingertips are cold...so is the blood...apparently my heart was thawing but was sitting at the back of the fridge and was still icy. imma put it back before it spoils.

i dont know what to say or what to even think. watch prison on msnbc all weekend and some references are bound to stick with ya. i cant even be poetic. i cannot think of a creative beautiful way to wrap my thoughts up into a lyrical work of beauty. alls i know is i cant stop being dumb.

why would i even think that some things come to me and are more than what they appear. always over analyzing, seeing beyond what is in front of me. fucked up yet again. set forth this year to stay cellibate. clear my mind and stop wasting time on people who i refuse to call lame because their excuses worked. i just knew it must be something i am doing. i dont even know how i even wrapped my mind around the hope for a maybe.

i dont even know how everyone can assume i am the most innocent pure person where ever i go and the people who i allow myself to open up to are the hit & quitters. every time i make up my mind that i'll figure a way around this its a complete fail and im left feeling like a dirty whoreslutbag.

how could i even wrap my mind around the idea that...well, i shoulda stuck with my age requirement. all i know is i happen to be a naturally catering submissive woman and apparently i am no longer in demand.

i just dont know. im sitting here. in this familiar place. lost. dazed. confused. wondering how'd i allow myself, once again to be used.

and again i am out of words out of thoughts out of everything. thought my mind is racing. i donno. im fuckable but no one wants to court me so i guess im back to cellibacy.

please someone...call nine elemn...im bleevin.