Erased

THERE IS A DRINK CALLED A TURTLE MOCHASIPPI. IT TAKES ME TO A HAPPY PLACE. IT IS A DRINK SOLD AT CC'S CONSISTING OF A CARAMEL/MOCHA COFFEE. (MOCHA=CHOCOLATE) WITH WHIPPED CREAM THAT HAS CHOCOLATE AND CARAMEL DRIPPED OVER THE TOP. I DONT HAVE THE SUGARS YET, BUT UNTIL I DO, EVERY TIME I GOTS 4 DOLLAS AND NEED A PICK-ME-UP, I INTEND TO PURCHASE ONE.

SOME WOULD SAY THAT I HAD A BEAUTIFUL SMILE. ONE SLIMEBALL RECENTLY ALERTED ME THAT IT IS, INDEED A WAY TO GET THINGS THAT I WANT. (ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT IT WAS THE BOOBS?) ANYWHOO. IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT GUYS LIKE BEAUTIFUL SMILES. SEEMS LIKE I WOULD HAVE AN AWESOME STARTING POINT.

MY SMILE IS USUALLY RIGHT WHERE IT BELONGS; ON MY FACE. HOWEVER, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH THE ONE THING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO OPEN THE FLOOD GATES SEEMS TO HAVE THE NEED TO BE REMOVED FROM MY PERSON. EVERY TIME I FIND A REASON TO KEEP ON SMILING, SOMEONE COMES RIGHT ALONG AND ERASES IT RIGHT AWAY FROM MY FACE.

WHY IS IT THAT I AM ALWAYS THE OBSERVER? ALL I WANTED WAS FOR SOMEONE, ANYONE, TO BE HERE FOR ME. EVERY WHERE I GO, I AM SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO ARE THERE FOR EACH OTHER . I CANNOT EXCAPE IT. I CANNOT RUN TO WORK, BECAUSE THEY ARE THERE. I CANNOT LOCK MYSELF UP IN MY ROOM, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THEY ARE WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE.

I AM SO TIRED OF THIS. I DECIDED TO KEEP ONE AS A FRIEND. HE PROVED TO ME THAT HE HAD A MEASURE OF CARE FOR ME. SO I DECIDED THAT I WOULD VALUE HIS ADVICE. HE PROBABLY KNOWS I HAVE THE CAPACITY TO LOVE HIM IF HE WOULD JUST LET ME. I THINK HIS CARE LEANS TOWARD LOVE ALSO. BUT EVERY TIME I HAVE TO DEPEND ON HIM, HE FALLS THROUGH. I KEEP THINKING THAT HE HAS LEARNED FROM HIS MISTAKES. HE PROFESSED HIS SINCEREST APOLOGIES FOR BEING A JERK. SO OF COURSE THE THOUGHT OF HIM ACCEPTING MY INVITATION, A CHANCE TO SHOW THAT HE KNOWS HE WAS WRONG AND NEEDS TO MAKE IT RIGHT WOULD DEFINITELY

MAKE

ME

SMILE.

BUT THEN AGAIN, HE IS HE. APPARENTLY, ALL HE'S ARE HIM. THEY ARE ERASERS, IGNORANTLY REMOVING THE SMILE FROM MY PERSON. RENDERING ME EMOTIONLESS. GIVING BOUNTIFUL JOY TO ME, AND REMOVING IT. LEAVING ME LOOKING LIKE THE FOOL THAT I FEEL LIKE.

I FEEL LIKE AN EMPTY JELLY JAR. IT IS AWESOME WHEN YOU BUY IT. MAKE ALL THE PB&J SANDWICHES THAT YOU WISH. RECYCLE IF YOU MUST. BUT EVERY USE FOR A JELLY JAR AFTER THE JELLY IS GONE LEAVES THE JAR VISUALLY INADEQUATE. THERE IS NO WAY TO FILL THE GAPING EMPTINESS THAT I HAVE. I WAS FULL OF JELLY. SOME WAS USED HERE, AND THERE. AT ONE TIME, I WAS FILLED WITH PRESERVES...BUT NOW I AM EMPTY. I HAVEN'T A LABEL. JUST WIDE MOUTHED JAR FULL OF NOTHING, HOLDING RANDOM ITEMS THAT CANT FILL ME LIKE THE JELLY USED TO.

THIS IS WHY MY SMILE HAS BEEN ERASED....

I Reflect Yet Again

So here's another poem I wrote on gs called "I Know, But". As I go over these poems, refresh my memory of what prompted me to write them I get a little cleansing. I wrote this poem after I lost my virginity, but before I had a relationship that involved intimacy. I understand how I felt this way, but I don't understand how I will ever achieve any of the circumstances on the "but" line of this write.

I KNOW how to be used,
BUTshow me how to be needed.

I KNOW how to be cold,
BUT show me how to be warm.

I KNOW what i want,
BUT show what i can desire.

I KNOW how to care,
BUT can you show its return?

I KNOW life is an experience,
BUT can you show me you?

I KNOW I'm a woman,
BUT show me i'm grown.

I KNOW how to fuck,
BUT show me how to make love.

Men always claim to want a good girl, a good woman; but for some reason they never approach her. (women have the same thing)They don't like the shy chick. They want someone who is outgoing and all-around awesome. It seems to me that no one ever takes time to see that the shy chick is just a little protective about who she shows herself to. It never occurs to them that she may have the best story line, but they over look her because she doesn't throw herself upon their manliness.

I just don't know what I'll do...I'll just wait for my but...

Now I reflect.

This is a poem that I wrote back in the gap...it exists mainly on gspoetry (southernlady. look me up.) Anywhoooo, here it is:


Touch Memory

as i lay here
wishing you were still beside me.
i find myself touching me.
everywhere you had.
regretting the fact that with each shower i take,
i have to wash you away again.
so all im left with is the memories
until your return.

i remember the gentle kisses you placed on my back,
up my shoulders, and down my neck.
how your gentle suckling helped to erect my nipples
while you began to arouse the rest of me.
i actually envision you kissing down
my ribcage, beyond my belly button as you set
fort to place the gentlest kiss on my pearl.

i shudder as i reflect on how you gently licked at that spot
and began to engage in it until
my body cringed with pleasure.
and right as i enter this zone
i remember feeling your entrance
as i look down and see you actively tasting
the deepest inside
i begin to lose control of my body.
yet i know that there is more in store.

finally my mind replays the scene where you make
your presence known.
you dig into my deepest memory until you find.....
BOOM
as you re-discover that magical spot and begin to
repetitively hit it and
just when i think i cannot handle any more of this
you ease up, slow it down, look at me
and at that point i am glad to look up at you.

as I lay trying to sleep
I cant help but remember you and try to
touch myself where you touched me.....

if only in memory of you....

I did not know what was going to happen; I had no idea that I'd be dropped like another bad habit. So I wonder why, anyone who could care enough to make me happy would make me hurt. Every time I read this, I am again reminded that someone who I thought was essentially what I wanted was exactly what I thought. Every time I make an exception to my thought (men will do anything and everything to fuck you...and just pick and choose who you let get away with their fuck mission) something like this happens. I get blindsided by the nerd who was just like me, except that he was a dude, with a huge dick, who knew how to use it...with a magical tongue...and an overwhelming imagination.

Furthermore, every time I think I am at the point where I am comfortable enough to give to whomever my partner may be, he's done with me. I feel like I keep getting discarded. Every time I am able to think "next time I am going to reward him for how he's made me feel" there is no next time. I am beginning to feel a little used up, and I haven't even had the chance to pour the naughty out of the deep crevices of my brain on anyone yet.

I.N.N.W?

(here's the gs link: http://www.gspoetry.com/touchmemory-erotic-poems-364167.html)

Inner Bitch Excape

I thought I had made it clear, 3.5 years ago when I first became a trainer that I did not know what kind of hoes them sorry football players were used to, but I was not one of them.

Then I lost my virginity.

Then I got bored.

Then this dude who had been trying to talk to me for 3 years kept BEGGING to be near me. For me to lay near him. He wanted to bring me pleasure. (more corny lines furnished upon request...he had all of em).

He got on my nerves.

I got bored again.

I let him come over.

He needs fucking tutoring.

I ignored him for 2 more months.

I told em I had a man and everything.

He said well it is what it is, and he had to spit a lil game.

I said game? Well I am glad you managed to try and get your dick to work and congrats on your pity fuck. (i gave em a second chance because the first time he tried, his dick wasnt working)

More words passed as we severed ties I thought I'd already cut.

I think he got a little offended, but I didn't tell anyone his dick didnt work. I told him I didn't want people to know I had "slept" with him. (and by slept I mean layed there trying not to watch tv while he attempted to sex at me.)

I heard about him and this other dude on his line comparing "bad bitches" that they had fucked.

After hearing about this, I checked to see who all's name had flown out.

Mine hadn't.

A month and some weeks passed by.

My name did.

Another guy on his line was like "Ashley's not a bad bitch, she's a girlfriend/wifey."

I am somewhat enraged.

I told him from jump that I was a bitch.

Everyone already assume that I am crazy.

Now I gotta do some crazy bitch shit.

Just cuz the brotha with the biggest ego

has the smallest

non working

dick...

She comin out...

She's excaping.

Close Encounters of the Smelly Kind

Scenario:

I once knew this person, who carried a certain aroma. She had friends, sugardaddies, and fans. It was as if the smell appeased to them. It was awkward to me, that she always ALWAYS busied herself with purchasing smell goods...Viki's, B&Bworks, every thing that smelled good and wholesome...she ruined.

The Plot Thickens:

I began to think maybe I was the only person smelling this smell. Alas, I would find out that I was not alone.

The Encounter:

As people began to grow more and more disgusted by this person (attitude, behavior, SMELL) it became apparent that something was awry. One particular afternoon, she had a talkfest. It was a supreme talkfest; she must have talked for an hour (30 minutes of it into a CLOSED room). Then she exited the room leaving everyone to continue on with life. A friend and I entered the room in which she had just exited. There was a certain staleness about it.

THIS BITCH LEFT HER FUCKIN BREATH IN THE ROOM.

Moral of the story:

If this happens to you, or is a side effect of your very own breath, you should see a doctor....IMMEDIATELY.

Fairy Tale Un-Fair Lesson

Once upon a time this chick fell in like with this dude. He was everything a woman could want. How they met were strange, but how they gelled was magic. Their communication was awesome. The chemistry was great. This whole ordeal was kind of ideal. He fed her smile. She fed his ego. This situation could end up being a lifestyle. They went to church together. They shared goals and values. This was truly a deep like.

He was everything a man should be. Tall. Dark. Handsome. Smart. Secure. Intelligent. God-fearing. Leader. AWESOME.

She was everything a woman should be. Tall. Chocolate. Beautiful. Smart. Goal oriented. Submissive. God-fearing. AWESOME

What a perfect match. Could not have matched them up better myself*.

However, in this case. Time did not permit. He needed to stay a man. She needed a man. He had a duty. She had a plan. He got busy. She got tired. He continued to build, enabling him to better provide for a family. She continued to wonder if she were in that family. They began to shrink. He turned back to he. She turned back to she. Their "we" or "us" ceased.

Her heart was broken. She deeply liked this dude. However would her heart heal. Would she be doomed by this ordeal? She tried to forget him. Tried to over look, and ignore him. In the recesses of her heart, under the left chamber, he still dwelled.

Random communication took place. Friends they became. She turned to him for advice. He did the same. Through friendship he related, how he wished he could have a re-do. She expressed how bad her hurt felt. He managed to understand, and apologized nonetheless.

After the tears, a better friendship had forged. She was happy again. Alast, she began to notice, on him she could not depend. He could not even tell that she wanted him again. He continued to build. She continued to remember. She wished they could start back, and be "we" and "us" again. That she could have that safe feeling, as she slept by his side. While feeling his breaths in sync with hers, she'd feel as if everything in the world was right.

Unfortunately, he is still he; She is still she. She sleeps alone. No man at home. Wonders what would or could be, in the event that he and she were again we. Perhaps its just a ponderance, this chick and this dude; maybe next lifetime.

Not so happily ever after. THE END.

* I really couldn't imagine a better match, because I did match them up myself.

Shout Out to My On-line life...

Yeah....some would say I'm a geek, or a nerd or I have no life because of how much I am on the computer. My mamma is mad, because I NEED a PC phone to deal with my habit. You know what I say to them.....FUCK YA'LL! I thrive in entertainment, and real-people entertain me.

Without further ado, here are some other links from the Mixed-up files of my brain. This may just suit your fancies until I get some new stuff goings on. Enjoy.

Twitter: http://twitter.com/ElleSevenCEO

GS Poetry:http://www.gspoetry.com/member-southernlady-33186

Facebook:http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=177201090

I think that's the bulk of it. later days.

That Just Happened

So. I am in a constant state of confusion... Although some of it is self-imposed, the majority of the time I am not confused on purpose. I am starting this blog because shows like Seinfield, Important Things with Demetri Martin, and other shows have led me to understand that my everyday life is full of comedic relief. Read and enjoy.